Outside of the Tunnel is the Snow Country

I’m going to disappear for a while. 

I have always felt ashamed while discussing with you guys. Because when you guys put your full effort into the discussion, I was using not even one percent of my brain to response. Today when I was in prep school, I spaced out a lot and cleared my head for a few questions and ideas. I decided not to go on here for a while because I need time to think and charge, I need time to absorb and digest and organize and make myself more knowledgeable. I also need time to rest, to free my mind from unnecessary thoughts, to read books and write things, also to take care of school work and SAT test. So I will disappear and charge until I feel like I am energetic enough to talk here.

I mean recently I am not in a very good state and I even start to feel hard to breath or have pain in the heart. I have a feeling if I don’t live a regulated life I will start to vomit blood when I reach 20. There are many books I need to read and I feel that I need to develop a completed system for my ideas. One year and a half ago I almost lost my interest in historical personification but perhaps I should pick it up again as a kind of alternate of my study and a tool to understand and communicate and become friends with you guys. 

I don’t know how long it will be but I will be on here again when I feel like it. Even if I appear again with drafts and blueprints I don’t know how far I can go, both in ideas and private. I think I will go naturally, just for the sake of enjoyment. I need something to focus on, or my talent and energy will start to twist and be forced to release through some strange and harmful ways. 

I mean history is like a billion-pieces jigsaw. A person cannot bear the whole four-dimension human history on his or her own two shoulders. We need different people to solve different little pieces of jigsaw, and put these little pieces together…When I return, I will complete a missing piece which not yet been found. 

I really don’t know how far I can go, in terms of friendship. People are changing. Today we are friends in some way, tomorrow me may not. Like my teacher said you should leave spaces, not for oneself, but for others. 

Also friends are people you won’t feel exhausted to talk to, joking and chatting and fighting for a goal together. Friends are people you will trust by heart. I don’t know how many people here know this, but I need to enjoy my real life for a while. And probably, find my comrades. 

Originally I am not a person who really likes to think too much and hide my true feelings, and I will not be one in the future. 

When I return, I will bring that little piece of jigsaw which is missing. Hope at that time we can become friends by heart. 

See you. 


Outside of the Tunnel is the Snow Country: tsunderepizza said: Aww, is everything alright? D: If you ever need to…


tsunderepizza said: Aww, is everything alright? D: If you ever need to talk/rant/discuss anything/etc at any time, I’m right over here!

Huh? You want to talk with me?! Wow thank you very much! I am both surprised and flattered! You seem like a really good/loyal friend and you seem like an…

No, thank you! You’re very welcome though, I’m just as flattered as you are. XD Aha, I have the very same bad habit of thinking too much and eventually getting depressed or angry. Often times if I’m simply sitting still, I begin to dwell on the concept of mortality and it frightens me to the point where I begin to force myself into being productive. Fear motivates sometimes, apparently. I have tried meditating before, but I think it really leaves me to think too much more than it clears my head. Reading, drawing, and movies help! :D

Ahahahaha for people like us having too much unnecessary thoughts about life friendship love human relationships etc can be really a problem because they distract us from achieving the actual goal we desire and figuring out what we truly are. My conclusion is that I have to focus on things that are truly important and productive to me so that I can achieve a state of focus, clear-mindedness and steadiness. (Or in other words, a “perfect” state of mind.) Aha, I often dwell on the concept of mortality and mortality, as an “end” and an aspect of life, deeply fascinates me. I mean in Zen Buddhism they have a concept of “nothingness”, which is sometimes associated with mortality especially in Japanese culture. (I completely adore Japanese literature, and I have plan to learn Japanese and travel to or even study in Japan in the future) Meditating is actually not a very useful way to clear your mind, I dwell in my own little world too much so that I end up going in circles. I think eventually the best way to solve this problem is to find and treasure the people we love and love us and fulfill our lives in a way which we are able to find satisfied. 

I mean as I growing up I am often having a feeling of mortality and “nothingness”. I am only seventeen but I have already sensed the territory of death. Sometimes I look at someone and start to imagine what he/she will become in the future. This thought simply frightens me. 

karashogai said: Maybe you’ve got alot on your mind? Usually this is the time of year I get stressed out because it’s a bit far away from January so the year doesn’t feel “new” but I still have a while to go? I’d suggest relaxing for a bit and treating yourself!

Hahahahahaha just as my teacher said I thought too much and got myself into unnecessary troubles and headaches. She said if I was practicing Zen I would be rebuked by the master because I wouldn’t be able to free myself from unnecessary thoughts and I would keep messing around with the everyday/earthly lives and human relationships. “Cut off your tongue then you will reach the Enlightenment.” That’s what she said. Hahaha February is quite an angst month because it’s a bit far away from January but it’s also pretty distant from springtime and, the best, summertime. Yes I should do some relaxing things and treat myself to something! I just ordered a pile of books from the bookstore and they will arrive next weekend! Tomorrow is Saturday I can go out to bookstores or somewhere else and have a good time? Awwwwww overall thank you for asking it really makes me happy! >w<! 

kimanda said: Maybe watching a movie might help? If you watch something funny and you laugh, you release hormones in your brain that starts to make you feel better. I feel better when I do that.

Perhaps? I should watch something funny and heartwarming like Kiki’s Delivery Service to release hormones and cheer myself up? I have seen Paper Man all over the dashboard recently maybe it’s really good? Like last time that Adam and Dog thing really made me relaxed? At least I shouldn’t watch things that would keep reminding my situation and continue to make me drown in my little dark swamp? I am just having a kind of crisis, like what kind of person I will and should become and the meaning of existence or something. I am trying to empty my mind recently and trying to find a balance between being honest and holding back terrible things. Usually when I am sad I watch Spirited Away or watch Princess Mononoke if it’s available, but Spirited Away makes me cry too hard and Princess Mononoke is too heavy and philosophical so I should just watch something light? I shouldn’t return that Secret of Kells DVD if it’s here perhaps it will kind of cheer me up. Also I still haven’t showered so maybe it kind of influences my mood. 

I’m going to eat my dinner

I will reply later guys :D! 

tsunderepizza said: Aww, is everything alright? D: If you ever need to talk/rant/discuss anything/etc at any time, I’m right over here! 

Huh? You want to talk with me?! Wow thank you very much! I am both surprised and flattered! You seem like a really good/loyal friend and you seem like an interesting person as well! Actually nothing wrong really happened I am just occationally sort of angst as well! I am alright and I think things are shakily going better for me? I think I can kind of handle it as usual? As my teacher said I was really thinking too much and I should try to watch something relaxed? Thank you for caring and offering your help! It cheers me up right away! Thank you very much XD you are really a good person! :D

allbeendonebefore said: I wonder if it’s a seasonal thing? Everyone seems to be on edge lately. :c

Perhaps it’s because of the annoying weather? I mean it’s really cold and windy outside but inside it’s way too warm it makes you hard to breath. I find that on Tumblr everyone’s kind of like “this guy gets depressed today that guy gets depressed tomorrow she feels she’s lonely so I go cheer her up but now that it’s my turn to get depressed so we are all lonely I’m happy we are people of the same sort but we are all shitty at getting on with people so we just hurt each other more”? I guess I’m really thinking too much. My teacher said that I shouldn’t read something too tragic and heavy like “One Hundred Years of Solitude” since I am currently only seventeen she said I should read something romantic so perhaps I should read “Love in the Time of Cholera” first? I used to be a really radical angry-young-student when I was fifteen but now I am turning to an inward type of depression? I have a feeling that it’s even worse? Anyway I will just take a shower and then watch anime maybe I would watch Avatar I shouldn’t try to strike a conversation with anyone I’m interested I should just act naturally isn’t it. When have I fallen to the degree of having to worry about casual conversation and everyday friendship I guess I am just going through a phase of seeing everything in a angst and negative point of view and I am kind of developing a sort of rage issue maybe? 

My mood’s turning bad?

I don’t know why my mood’s so irrational these days? 

Reblog this if you’d hang out with your Tumblr friends if you ever met them in real life.